The Day the Laughter Died
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Jervis Tetch invents a machine to create alternate realities of the mind. He accidentally creates one where the Joker is erased from existence, and the Clown Prince of Crime is forced to experience how different Gotham would be without him in it.
1. Chapter 1

**The Day the Laughter Died**

Harley Quinn looked at her reflection in the mirror and frowned. It was really difficult to make yourself look attractive in rough, gray, mass-produced cotton that didn't quite fit, but she had to try. She and Mr. J had been incarcerated in Arkham Asylum for the past three weeks, she didn't know when they'd be able to bust out of it next, and she really, really wanted sex.

She was used to waiting – Mr. J was pretty apathetic about that most of the time, but it had gotten ridiculous. Harley couldn't really remember when the last time she had it was, which meant it was far too long for her liking. She didn't consider herself a nymphomaniac – she was just a passionate young woman with a healthy libido who was deeply in love with an incredibly attractive man. An incredibly attractive older man, who didn't have as much interest in physical relations as she did, which was only natural. There was nothing wrong with that, Harley thought, but it did mean that she had to make a real effort once in a while to get what she wanted. But it was always worth it.

She undid a couple buttons on her shirt, then rolled it up a little so that her waist was bare. She rolled up her pants to reveal her legs, and pulled her pigtails out, shaking out her blonde hair. Then she smiled at the mirror seductively. It would have to do. She just hoped it would work.

She left her cell and strode into the rec room, where Joker was seated on the sofa next to Two-Face, staring intently at the TV as he pressed buttons on a controller.

"That's crouch, J," muttered Two-Face. "You need to punch 'em, not crouch. Ain't you ever played a video game before?"

"Not really, no," retorted Joker. "Real addictive though, aren't they? I can see why people waste their lives in front of them – it's almost like being there. I feel like I really am the Dork Knight himself. Next thing you know, I'll start babbling a lot of crap about justice and trying to beat you up, Harv. Aw, c'mon, Bats, punch 'em!"

"Shouting at the screen doesn't help, you have to press the button!" growled Two-Face, seizing the controller from him.

Joker grabbed it back. "It's my game, not yours!" he snapped. "I'm playing as Bats, get me?! Now punch 'em, Batsy, you useless…there, thank you! Jesus, that was hard!"

"You wanna stop playing the tutorial and try the actual game now?" asked Two-Face.

"Sure. Not like I've got anything else to do cooped up in this dump," replied Joker, shrugging.

"I know someone you can do, puddin'," breathed Harley, draping her arms around him and kissing his cheek.

"Not now, Harley, I'm trying to play my game," retorted Joker, batting her away.

"We can play a game if you want, puddin'," she murmured, trying again. "I got a really dirty one in mind. Want me to tell you all about it? It involves you pressing a couple of my buttons and making me squeal. C'mon, baby."

"Harley, I can't see the screen!" snapped Joker, for Harley had climbed onto his lap and was attempting to kiss him. "Just get off, would ya? You're crushing my joystick!"

Harley looked puzzled. "That's kinda the idea, puddin'," she said. "Don't you like it?"

"I'm not talking about…never mind, just beat it!" he growled, shoving her off him. "I'm not in the mood!"

"Aw, c'mon, puddin', your Harley really, really wants a good revving," whined Harley. "You wouldn't want her gears to get all rusty, would you?"

Joker ignored her, suddenly gaping at the screen in astonishment. "That's me!" he gasped. "I'm in a video game! Guy voicing me don't do that bad a job, actually."

"Puddin', I…"

He suddenly clapped a hand over her mouth. "When I'm talking, you don't!" he snapped. "What am I saying? Am I taunting the Bat? Am I funny? I better be funny!"

He laughed. "Yeah, this guy's good, Harvey! Who is he?"

"Luke Skywalker," muttered Two-Face.

"No, he ain't," snapped Joker. "Don't try making jokes, Harv – that would only be funny if it were true."

"It is true," insisted Two-Face, throwing the booklet at him.

Joker gazed at it. "Well, whaddya know! I'm voiced by Luke Skywalker! What a gag! Guess the dark side was his destiny after all!" he chuckled. "Ain't that a great gag, Harley?"

"If you wanna gag me, puddin', I'd be up for that too," said Harley, desperately. "I'd be up for anything, really, whatever you wanna do. I just really, really want it. Please, puddin'."

"I said no, Harley," he retorted. "Now pipe down, would ya? I can't hear my game!"

"Please, please, please, puddin'!" she begged, falling to the ground and embracing his knees and sobbing. "Please, please, please, please, please! I want it so badly! Please, please, please, please, please…"

"All right, if it'll shut you up!" shouted Joker, throwing down the controller and standing up. He turned to Two-Face. "I'll be back in ten minutes – don't even think about stealing my game! C'mon, you useless broad!"

He grabbed Harley's hand and stormed from the room. "You angry, puddin'?" murmured Harley, beaming. "It's always better when you're angry."

"Yeah, I am," he growled. "And we're gonna start with a little beating to get me in the mood."

"My favorite kind of foreplay, Mr. J," breathed Harley, kissing him.

He shoved her into the janitor's closet and followed her, slamming the door shut and then slamming her against the wall, seizing her tightly around the throat and kissing her face as he hissed, "You useless, worthless, stupid, annoying, utter waste of…what the heck is that?"

Harley had shut her eyes in delight, but opened them to see Joker staring at a strange contraption in one corner of the closet. It appeared to be what looked like two top hats, glowing strangely, and connected by a thin wire. "Probably nothing important, puddin'," she murmured, grabbing his chin and turning his head back to face her, kissing him violently. "C'mon, punish your bad Harley girl for interrupting your game. You wanna spank her hard, puddin'?"

"It's humming," murmured Joker, shaking her off and turning to face the machine again.

"So will I – I'll purr like a kitten. C'mon, baby, don't do this," begged Harley, trying to pull him back to her. "Just give it to me."

"Stop whining, Harley, it's not attractive," he snapped, tearing himself away from her and crouching down to examine the machine. "There's only one guy who could be behind something like this…"

The door to the closet opened at that moment and Jervis Tetch, otherwise known as the Mad Hatter, appeared in the doorway, carrying a bunch of electrical parts. He saw Joker and Harley and started back in surprise.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, fury quickly overtaking his surprise.

"Trying to have a little private time," retorted Harley, grabbing Joker's arm and dragging him back to her. "So beat it, Jervis."

"What's the hat machine for, Jervis?" asked Joker, shoving her away from him and examining it again.

"None of your business," snapped Tetch.

Joker shrugged. "All right. If you won't tell me, I guess I'll have to figure it out for myself…"

"Don't touch it!" shouted Tetch, throwing himself in front of the machine. "It's not ready to be handled yet!"

"Unlike me!" shrieked Harley. "I'm beyond ready to be handled, so just touch me, Mr. J!" She grabbed his hands and placed them on her body. "C'mon baby, feel me up, I don't even mind that Jervis is here!"

"Just cool it, Harley!" shouted Joker, ripping his hands off her. "Go take a cold shower or something!"

"I don't want a cold shower!" she sobbed. "I want you, puddin'! Please give it to me, baby! Please, please, please…"

Joker grabbed her arm and shoved her out of the closet, then slammed the door in her face, barricading it shut with a mop. "All right. So what is it?" he asked, ignoring Harley pounding and screaming against the door.

"It's still none of your business," hissed Tetch.

"Yeah, but I'm interested," said Joker. "It'd be a good idea to satisfy my curiosity, Hatty, unless you want me to break both this and your face. Or maybe I'll be nice and let you pick one or the other. But I wouldn't bet on it," he chuckled.

Tetch glared at him. "It's an invention of mine," he retorted.

"What does it do?" asked Joker.

"It's far too scientifically complex for a layman to understand," snapped Tetch.

"Try me," said Joker, grinning.

Tetch took off his hat and rubbed his temples. "I'll try to put this in the simplest terms possible," he muttered.

"It's all right, Harley's gone," Joker replied, grinning, as he heard her sobs disappearing off down the hall.

"It requires two people, each wearing a hat," said Tetch, nodding at the pair. "It creates an alternate reality in the mind, a shared delusion, a hypothetical scenario – one person wishes for it, and both experience it. While under the influence of the hat, the delusion is the reality - there can be no return of consciousness to this reality unless you're both still wearing the hat and wish the opposite of the scenario you've created. Only then can you return to reality as we know it, otherwise your mind will be lost in the false one forever. So it's potentially a very dangerous machine."

"I'll say," agreed Joker. "Why did you invent it?"

"If you must know, I was hoping to lose myself in a far more pleasant reality than this one," retorted Tetch. "One where Alice and I could be together, perhaps."

"But it wouldn't be for real, right?" asked Joker.

Tetch shrugged. "Yes and no. Reality is a state of mind, as you are doubtless aware."

"Oh sure, I'm not an idiot," retorted Joker. "You tested it out yet?"

"No, I was waiting for Jonathan to be incarcerated. I only trust him to actually help me create my perfect reality, rather than someone being terribly cruel and wishing me to be, I don't know, Batman's sidekick or something."

"I suspect the Boy Blunder would be jealous," giggled Joker, grinning. "But you know I'd never do anything like that to you, Hatty. I'm a nice guy – you can trust me. C'mon, no time like the present. Let's test it out!"

"Joker, no!" cried Tetch. "I said it's not ready to be handled…"

"See, this is your problem, you got no confidence, Tetch," said Joker, shoving one hat on Tetch's head. "This is why Alice don't wanna be with you. You need to have a little faith in your own abilities. Now, what should we wish for?" he said, grinning as he put on the other. "I gotta say, I'm a pretty content guy. There ain't a lot more I could wish for that would make me happier."

"I know what would make me happy right now," growled Tetch. The hats suddenly lit up, and began making a whirring noise. "Oh no!" exclaimed Tetch, panic in his eyes. "No, I didn't mean to do that! Oh, why didn't I install a cancel button?!"

"Kinda stupid of you," agreed Joker. "Everyone knows installing a self-destruct button is essential – it's like supervillainism 101."

"Just shut up, Joker!" shouted Tetch. "This could be a huge problem! Oh, botheration!" He began muttering, "'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe…"

"Why? What did you wish for?" asked Joker.

But there was suddenly a blinding flash of light. And when Joker and Tetch opened their eyes again, they were outside, with Gotham City spread out before them.

Joker chuckled, taking off the hat. "Gotta say, this don't look like a problem, Tetchy," he said, grinning. "We're outta the asylum anyway."

"Put the hat back on," said Tetch. "Quickly now – we have to get back. Put it on, and reverse the wish I made."

"What wish did you make?" demanded Joker.

"Hold it right there!" said a voice. They turned around to see a police officer pointing a gun at them. His eyes narrowed. "Jervis Tetch, we've been looking for you," he muttered. "You're under arrest, along with your friend there, whoever he is."

"Whoever he is?" repeated Joker, astonished and offended. "You been living in a cave, buddy? I'm the Joker!"

The policeman stared blankly at him. "Doesn't ring a bell," he replied. "You one of Tetch's associates?"

"I'm nobody's associate!" snapped Joker. "I'm the goddamn Joker! The Clown Prince of Crime, the Ace of Knaves, Batman's true nemesis, the one, the only, the original Joker!"

The policeman shook his head. "You've obviously got the same kind of crazy Tetch has – clearly a sad loser who thinks putting on a costume is gonna make everybody automatically know who you are. Well, we've got enough costumed freaks in this town without another loony adding himself to the mix. So why don't you just come quietly?"

"I'm the Joker!" shouted Joker. "I don't come quietly!"

The policeman sighed, shaking his head again. "Have it your way." He pulled out a radio. "HQ, this is Timm. Got Tetch and some other clown located at the corner of 5th and 3rd. Requesting immediate backup…"

Joker suddenly punched him in the face. He beat him to the ground and then seized the radio. "Tell them to send the Bat!" he shouted. "This is his nemesis, the Joker! Ring any bells, lamebrain?!"

"Um…not really," replied the person on the other end. "New to Gotham, are you?"

With a roar of fury, Joker threw the radio on the ground, shattering it. "What did you wish for, Tetch?" he demanded, rounding on him.

"Um…well…" stammered Tetch, backing slowly away from him. "I wished…that is…I wished…" He began muttering again, "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"

"What did you wish?" repeated Joker, grabbing him by the collar and lifting him up.

"I wished you had never been born," whispered Tetch. "And it looks like…it looks like…my wish came true."


	2. Chapter 2

Joker stared at him. "Say that again," he murmured.

"I wished that you had never been born," repeated Tetch, shutting his eyes and expecting Joker's fist to collide with his face at any moment.

"So…this Gotham is exactly the same – I just don't exist in it?" asked Joker, quietly.

"That's right, yes," replied Tetch, squeezing his eyes shut.

To his surprise, Joker suddenly dropped him to the ground, laughing hysterically. "All right! Let's have some fun! It'll be just like the good old days, back before anyone knew who I was! Ah, happy days! I can re-invent myself all over again! Aw, this is gonna be great, Hatty!" he chuckled, rubbing his hands.

"I honestly think it would be best if you just put the hat back on and we returned to reality," said Tetch, picking it up and holding out to him.

"What? And miss all the fun? Why did you invent this thing if you didn't wanna have fun with it?" said Joker. "C'mon, Tetch, don't be a square. Let's go explore this alternate Gotham. Gotta be a pretty depressing place without me in it, huh? Bet everyone's really miserable. And Bats must be near suicidal – he must be so bored without a real challenge. Well, Uncle Joker's here to save the day, as usual. I said come on, Hatty!" he shouted, striding off down the street.

Tetch had no choice but to obey him, whispering, "He took his vorpal sword in hand: long time the manxome foe he sought - so rested he by the Tumtum tree, and stood awhile in thought…"

Joker paused in front of an electronics store where the TV was playing the news. "…once again the work of the criminal mastermind Two-Face, long considered Batman's ultimate nemesis and deadliest enemy..."

"Two-Face?!" repeated Joker, astonished. "But that ain't right! He's always been number two! The guy's got no style, no class, no personality, no sense of humor! He just leaves everything to fate! He's a crap ultimate nemesis for Bats! Batsy needs someone like me, to be a yin to his yang, you know, laughing, light-hearted and intelligent to offset glum, brooding and stupid. It's no fun when they're both glum, brooding and stupid!"

"Joker, please, I really think we should get out of here," murmured Tetch, looking around nervously.

"Hey, relax, Hatty!" chuckled Joker. "Nobody knows who I am, remember? What could possibly happen? There's not even a reason for us to be randomly attacked by…"

He was knocked to the ground suddenly by a dark shape, which straightened up and glared at Tetch.

"Tetch. I thought I left you securely tied up in that warehouse."

"Oh…did you?" stammered Tetch, backing away from Batman slowly.

"I can't imagine how you escaped, but I guess it doesn't matter, because I've found you now," continued Batman. He glanced down at Joker. "Who's the clown?"

"Who's the clown?" repeated Joker, gazing at Batman. "Wow. That hurts, Batsy, I'm not gonna lie. Hadn't really prepared myself for how much it would hurt. I know I don't exist in this reality, but I would have thought you'd have some recollection of me, after all we've been through together."

"I've never seen you before in my life," replied Batman.

"No, not in this life," agreed Joker. "But, y'know, a relationship like ours transcends space and time. C'mon, look at me, Bats! It's me, Joker! Doncha recognize me? No? Nothing? C'mon, Bats! You gotta remember!"

Batman looked blankly back at him. "Batman?" crackled his radio suddenly. "You need to get over to City Hall right away. Two-Face has taken the mayor hostage."

"On my way," muttered Batman. "I don't know who you are, but you're obviously insane, and the last thing I need is another crazy running around in my town," he said, slapping handcuffs on Joker. "I've got bigger problems than you at the moment."

"Two-Face has never been a bigger problem than me," growled Joker, angrily. "He's half the criminal I am, and always will be, you get me?!"

Batman didn't respond, but dragged Joker and Tetch over to the waiting Batmobile. He grabbed the hats from Tetch in order to handcuff him, then threw the hats into the trunk, shoving them both into the backseat.

Joker stared at Batman as he drove. "You know what this means, Hatty?" he murmured.

"What?" asked Tetch.

"It means Harvey's gonna steal my game," sighed Joker, leaning back in his seat. "We'll never be back in ten minutes now."

"Why must everything be a joke to you?!" snapped Tetch. "This is serious, Joker!"

"Clue's in the name, Hatty," replied Joker, grinning. "Anyway, you shouldn't take everything so seriously."

"Oh, shouldn't I?!" demanded Tetch. "Let me explain the situation to you, Joker! Unless we can get those hats back, we are trapped in this reality forever! It's a reality where nobody recognizes nor respects you, which, given your massive ego, is probably pretty nightmarish for you! And it's a reality where there are two of me running around! Batman said he left me tied up in a warehouse – if I were ever to meet my other self, it could be disasterous! It could destroy the fabric of this reality and result in the destruction of this universe, and us along with it! So laugh about that if you can, you grinning idiot! This is all your fault!"

He folded his arms across his chest and muttered more of the Jabberwocky. Joker shrugged, and then started laughing. "Still, it is pretty funny when you think about it, isn't it?" he chuckled. "Even when I ain't done nothing wrong, Batsy takes me in! It's like we're meant to be!" he sighed.

The Batmobile pulled up to Arkham Asylum and Batman dragged them out, pulling them into the foyer. "I've got Tetch and a new one to drop off," he said to the receptionist.

She looked at Joker sadly and sighed. "Seems like there's a new wannabe criminal popping up every day," she said. "I blame violent video games, personally, but I'm not a psychiatrist. I'll get the head on the phone and tell her you've arrived."

"I can't stay," said Batman. "There's an emergency at City Hall. But give her my regards and tell her I'll speak to the mayor about beefing up security here. I know it's a concern for her, and rightfully so."

"Yeah, she doesn't deserve these constant break-outs and loonies making life a living hell for her," sighed the receptionist. "She's a good person."

"Yes, she is," agreed Batman. "And I have nothing but the highest respect for her, and all the progress she's made with these supercriminals. Crane's almost ready to rejoin society, so I hear. She's the best head doctor this place has ever had, so be sure to pass on my compliments. I'll see you later."

He shot another contemptuous glance at Joker and left the asylum. The receptionist picked up the phone as the guards surrounded Joker and Tetch. "Dr. Quinzel? Batman's just brought in Tetch and a new one for you."

"On my way," said a familiar voice.

"Quinzel?" repeated Joker, astonished. "But that can't be! It can't be…can't be…"

But the elevator doors opened at that moment to reveal Dr. Harleen Quinzel, looking normal, sane, and incredibly professional, with a name badge reading _Head Doctor _on it.

"Harley," gasped Joker. She looked down at him without a glimmer of recognition in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, have we met?" she asked.


	3. Chapter 3

"Have we met?" repeated Joker, dumbfounded. "Of course we've met! It's me, Harley! It's Mr. J! C'mon, baby, you know me!"

Harley looked at him blankly. "I'm sorry, I don't remember you," she said. "Have you been incarcerated in Arkham before?"

"Yeah, and so have you!" he snapped. "About a million times! You're Harley Quinn, my little henchwench! I don't know why you're pretending to be all high and mighty and successful, but this Dr. Harleen Quinzel ain't the real you!"

Harley shared a look with the receptionist. "Well, he's certainly certifiable," she said, scribbling down some notes. "And Jervis, I'm sorry to see you back here," she said, smiling sadly at Tetch. "I thought we had made some real progress with you. It's such a shame that you're returning to your old ways. May I ask why you did it?"

Tetch gaped at Harley, then stammered out, "One, two! One, two! And through and through, the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back."

"Oh Jervis, I thought we had gotten over this defense mechanism," sighed Harley. "Remember, you don't have to quote Lewis Carroll – you've got a voice of your own, and it's a good, unique, and worthwhile one. Don't hide it from the world."

She smiled at him and then said to the guards. "Please return him to his cell – I'll pencil him in for tomorrow morning. Bring the other one to my office."

The guards obeyed, dragging Tetch off and taking Joker to Harley's office. Harley shut the door as Joker looked around at the numerous honors and awards for psychiatry decorating the walls. He also noticed a bunch of flowers on her desk. Harley noticed them too, and went over to read the card. She smiled and then pressed the intercom on her desk. "Arleen? Please thank Professor Crane for the flowers. Tell him it's a very sweet gesture, but I could never form a romantic relationship with a patient."

Joker snorted. "Yeah, right. But Crane really needs to give it up – he's got no chance."

Harley looked at him, releasing the intercom and sitting down opposite him. "You seem to think you know a lot about what goes on in here," she said, opening her notebook.

"That's because I do," he retorted. "I know everything about everyone here, and I know everything about you."

"Really?" asked Harley, raising her eyebrows. "Why do you think that?"

"Because I do," he retorted.

Harley smiled. "Got quite a high opinion of yourself, haven't you?" she asked. "What's your name?"

"I'm the Joker," retorted Joker. "The Clown Prince of Crime, the Ace of Knaves, and your boyfriend, sweets."

Harley laughed. "No, you're not," she replied. "I think I would remember that, thank you, Mr. Joker. And I really think I can do better than a man who makes himself up as a clown, although I suppose I should be flattered that you find me attractive."

"It's not make-up," growled Joker. "Batman pushed me into a vat of acid. It's permanent."

"Of course it is," said Harley, making some notes. "And so you say you know everything about me?" she said, looking up. "Tell me some things about myself then."

"Well…you were…are…a doctor," said Joker.

"Yes, that's hardly uncommon knowledge," replied Harley, sarcastically. "Anything else?"

"You're not a natural blonde," he continued.

"Again, not exactly uncommon knowledge," said Harley. "Especially as the hairdresser did a crap job with my roots this time. Anything else?"

"You make vrooming noises in bed," said Joker.

She slapped him across the face. "You think you're pretty funny, don't you?" she hissed.

"Yeah, and so do you!" he snapped. "You're my biggest fan, you worthless dame!"

"I would certainly never be a fan of a man who speaks to me like that," snapped Harley. "And I'm not renowned for my sense of humor."

"No change there, then," retorted Joker.

"I beg your pardon?" she snapped.

"Look, baby, let's stop playing this stupid game," said Joker, leaning forward. "You're the one always talking about how we're soulmates and all that crap. Well, if we're soulmates, you should be able to recognize me whether I exist in this reality or not. And you gotta help me out, Harley. Jervis and me need to get back to our reality with a pair of hats Batsy stole. You gotta help me bust outta here, so we can find the Bat, break into the trunk of the Batmobile and steal the hats back, kay?"

Harley stared back at him. "I don't have the slightest idea what you're babbling about, Mr. Joker," she muttered. "Nothing you have said from the moment I met you has made any sense, and so I'm going to have no choice but to confine you to…"

He seized her face in his hands and kissed her passionately. She slapped him again, shoving him away from her and wiping her lips. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" she demanded, furiously.

"C'mon, baby, it's Mr. J!" shouted Joker. "It's puddin'!"

"What kinda stupid nickname is that?" demanded Harley.

"It's yours, you dumb blonde!" shouted Joker, angrily. "I hate it!"

"Then it very admirably expresses my feelings towards you!" snapped Harley. "I'd have to be out of my mind ever to date you!"

"You are, baby, that's the point!" shouted Joker. "And you're a lot happier for it!"

She glared at him and buzzed the intercom. "Can I have the guards in here to take away the patient, please?" she said.

They appeared in the room a second later, dragging Joker off. "Harley! Harley, you useless waste of space, you gotta remember me, kid!" he yelled. "You can't lock me up like this! Harley! Harley! Listen to me, dammit!"

The door slammed and Joker gaped at it in astonishment as he was dragged to a cell. He growled, sitting down on the bed and putting his head in his hands. "This ain't funny," he muttered. "This ain't funny at all."


	4. Chapter 4

"Who's the clown?" asked Poison Ivy of Jonathan Crane, glaring at the Joker who lay sprawled over the sofa, watching the news in annoyance as it reported a story on Two-Face's latest escapade.

"No idea," retorted Crane. "Someone Batman brought in with Jervis, but he hasn't left his cell since he got back so I haven't been able to ask him."

"What?! A giant penny?! What kinda crap gag is that?!" shouted Joker at the screen. "Give him a joke, Harvey! He needs a joke!"

"Well, he needs to stop hogging the TV," said Poison Ivy, standing up and going over to him. "Hey, you wanna move it, buddy? My gardening show is going to be on soon."

"Bite me, Pammie," snapped Joker.

"Do I know you?" asked Ivy, eyes narrowing.

"Yeah, I'm the Joker. You fancy the pants off me, but you'd never admit it to yourself, and anyway, I'm spoken for."

Ivy snorted. "You're crazy."

"Yep, that's why I'm in here," snapped Joker. "Well, I'm actually in here because Harley has lost her mind."

"You're on first name terms with Dr. Quinzel?" asked Ivy.

"Yeah. I'm her goddamn boyfriend," retorted Joker.

"Dr. Quinzel is currently unattached," said Crane, glaring at Joker. "But hopefully not for long."

"Oh, give it up, Johnny," groaned Joker. "She's never gonna want you, trust me. You're as pathetic as Tetch. Anyway, the dumb blonde will come to her senses soon - the kid's crazy for me, really. I just gotta be patient."

"I've got a lot of respect for Dr. Quinzel," growled Ivy. "I don't like you referring to her like that."

"That's changed, then," said Joker. "Usually you're berating her for being stupid and having no self-respect."

"What the hell are you talking about?" demanded Ivy.

"Ignore him, Pamela, the man's clearly delusional," retorted Crane.

"You're the delusional one, Professor, if you think Harley's ever gonna have anything to do with you," said Joker. "She don't like nerds."

"And you're contesting that she does like clowns?" asked Ivy. "Why the clown persona, anyway? It's not exactly intimidating for a criminal, is it? Clowns aren't scary."

"Neither are plants," said Joker.

"Y'know, I don't know you, but I don't like you," muttered Ivy, glaring at him.

"At least some things haven't changed," retorted Joker.

"Jervis, there you are!" exclaimed Crane as Tetch entered the room. "Would you kindly explain to me who this madman is, and what he is doing here?"

"I would like to tell you the truth, Jonathan," replied Tetch, nodding. "In fact, you're probably the only one who'd understand it, or believe it. But it would involve you having to doubt the nature of your own existence, and frankly most people are happier not having to do that, and certainly not before teatime. The Joker is just an associate of mine, and a very sick man, like the rest of us. And I just need a quick word with him, if you don't mind."

He pulled Joker off the sofa and went over to a corner. "We have to get out of here!" he hissed.

"I'd be delighted," retorted Joker. "This is a pretty crap reality, when you get right down to it. The world without me in it is no fun. The sooner we blow this dump, the better."

"Unfortunately neither of us have the necessary equipment to blow this dump, and I don't think the other inmates would be too keen on helping us," said Tetch, noting the glares from Crane and Ivy. "Not after the impression you've made on them. How did things go with Harley?"

Joker shrugged. "Dame's crazy, but I guess that what happens when you get a little power. Doesn't know me, just like Bats. It's just depressing really, when the two people you've beat the crap outta most in the world can't even remember you. Makes the beatings all seem a bit redundant."

"You have to get her on our side," said Tetch. "She's the only one with the authority to release us. Surely there's something you can say to her that will convince her you're speaking the truth? Surely you can demonstrate that you have some intimate knowledge of her?"

"What, you mean you want me to try to get to first base? Second base? I might be able to go as far as third – what exactly are we talking about here?"

"No! I don't mean…just prove to her that you know something about her, something that only the man she loves could know! Something she's told you about herself!"

"Oh…right. Sure. No problem."

Tetch looked at him. "She's your girlfriend! Don't you ever listen to her?!"

"Oh, c'mon, Tetch, what guy actually listens to his girlfriend?" retorted Joker. "Anyway, Harley talks a lot. She always flapping her gums about stuff, usually pointless and boring stuff. You have to learn to tune her out or you'd go crazy."

"It's got to be something unique to Harley, something that makes her special," continued Tetch. "You do think she's special, don't you?"

"Sure I do," said Joker, shrugging. "She's special in the way that dogs who bark at the TV are special," he laughed.

"Comparing her to a dog might not be the best way to win her affection," retorted Tetch.

"You don't know Harley," said Joker, grinning.

"No. And you have to prove you do. So get to it," snapped Tetch. "Before we're trapped in this nightmarish Wonderland forever."

"Keep your shirt on, Hatty. We won't be late for our very important date, don't worry," chuckled Joker, "I'm a real charmer when I wanna be. I'll have the dame eating out of the palm of my hand. I did it once, and I can do it again."

"I certainly hope so, for both of our sakes," muttered Tetch, sighing as Joker strode off. "I need a drink. And not a drop of tea in sight – this reality truly is quite hellish."


	5. Chapter 5

"So for this week's group therapy, I'd like to return to our discussion of last week," said Dr. Harleen Quinzel, seated in a circle with the Arkham patients around her. "We were all sharing our feelings on the nature of fear in relation to failure."

Joker sighed loudly. Everyone glared at him as Harley continued, "This is a bit of a specialism of Professor Crane's, and so I was wondering if he'd like to begin the discussion."

"Anything you want, Dr. Quinzel," murmured Crane, standing up and smiling at her.

"Yeah, guess old Johnny is a bit of an expert on failure!" chuckled Joker as Crane opened his mouth. "Especially with women, ain't that right, Johnny?" he asked, grinning at him.

Ivy raised her hand. "Yes, Pamela?" said Harley.

"Can I punch him, Dr. Quinzel?" she asked, glaring at Joker.

"It wouldn't be the most helpful way to release our aggressive tendencies, would it, Pamela?" said Harley, smiling patiently.

"I guess not," growled Ivy. "But it would be a lotta fun."

"We've discussed trying not to relate acts of violence to fun," said Harley, firmly. "The two are in no way similar."

Joker snorted. "Something amusing, Mr. Joker?" asked Harley. "Would you like to share it with the group?"

"It's just funny to hear that coming from you," he said, grinning at her.

"I don't understand," said Harley, puzzled.

"Well, c'mon, baby," he said. "I don't really like discussing it with the guys around, but nothing puts you in the mood faster than a couple firm punches. A little beating is your favorite kinda foreplay – you said it yourself earlier."

"I said nothing of the kind!" snapped Harley, eyes narrowing. "And I would appreciate if you wouldn't speculate on things of that nature any more, Mr. Joker."

"Right, I forgot, shrinks don't like talking about sex," laughed Joker. "But you're right, sweets, I'll stop. Wouldn't wanna confuse Johnny since he's obviously never had any. And you won't with Harley either, Professor, sorry to disappoint you."

Crane was staring at him in astonishment. Harley gently lay her hand on his. "Ignore him, Professor Crane," she said, glaring at Joker. "Please begin the discussion."

"Fear is a natural human response, a built-in defense mechanism in order to avoid pain and the potential annihilation of the…"

"Boring," interrupted Joker. "No wonder you had to give up the professorship, Johnny – you probably kept putting your students to sleep."

Ivy raised her hand again. "Yes, Pamela?" said Harley.

"Are you sure I can't punch him?" she asked. "I wouldn't tell anyone you gave me your permission."

"While I accept there would be a certain satisfaction in the act of violence, it is important for the morally upright among us to suppress the natural gratification impulse and try to be the better person," said Harley. "And this is what we're all trying to be – morally upright people."

"You should try being bad sometime, baby, it's a whole lot more fun," said Joker, grinning. "I could give you the satisfaction of a little violence, if you want. I know you'd love it. You'd be begging me for it by the end."

"We're going to move the discussion along," said Harley quickly. "If you're so eager to contribute, Mr. Joker, why don't you share with the group something fear has held you back from accomplishing in your life?"

"I would really like to help you out, Doc, you gotta believe that," said Joker, grinning. "I ain't a fan of this touchy-feely style of therapy - well, not unless we can have a little more privacy, but I'm gonna have to disappoint you on both counts. I'm not afraid of anything, you see."

"Everyone's afraid of something," growled Crane. "It's a natural response, as I said."

"Well, I ain't a natural guy," retorted Joker, grinning. "What are you scared of, Johnny?"

"At the moment? Fear of rejection," murmured Crane, gazing at Harley. "Fear that I won't be able to find the courage to tell the woman I love just how much I care about her, and how much I want to make her happy, and how much she deserves a special man who will just…"

"Boring," interrupted Joker again. "And you're going about it all wrong, Johnny, so I'll save you the embarrassment of finishing. Harley doesn't like simpering puppies. She likes a man to be strong and firm and dominant with her. She appreciates cruelty like nothing else, but then she is a woman, so that's only natural - the more you beat 'em, the more they fawn."

Ivy didn't raise her hand this time, but instead raised her fist and punched Joker in the face. Crane too had started toward him, but Harley held him back. She then rushed over to Ivy and Joker and managed with much difficulty to separate the two. "If the rest of you would excuse us for a moment," she muttered, glaring at Joker. "Mr. Joker, would you kindly come with me?"

Joker winked at Crane as he followed Harley out of the room. The door shut and Harley whirled around. "Mr. Joker, I don't like being unnecessarily harsh with my patients, but you are behaving like a complete ass! If you don't shape up and try to show a little courtesy and respect towards your fellow inmates and towards me, then I will have no choice but to dismiss you from the session and restrain you!"

"Sounds like a party to me, toots," chuckled Joker. "Maybe you could join me later. You know you can always be a little unnecessarily harsh with me if you wanna, don't ya, baby?"

Harley was seething. "Mr. Joker, I don't know where your delusions about me have come from, but you are confusing me with someone else! I can assure you I am not the woman you think I am! You do not know me!"

She turned back toward the door, but Joker suddenly seized her wrist, pulling her into his arms. "I know you," he murmured. "I know everything about you. I know you hate fish. I know you always cry at the end of Disney movies. I know you like being out in the rain because you think it feels like little kisses on your skin. I know you have to tuck your toes under the covers at night, or you can't sleep. I know you're still afraid of the dark, and you have to have a nightlight on when you're alone. I know you still sleep with your teddy bear sometimes, if there's nobody there to cuddle you. I know fireworks make you all tingly inside, and the ocean makes you sad, because you think it sounds lonely. I know you've always dreamed about having a man who would kiss your tears away when you cried. I know you're strong, but you don't want to have to be. I know your favorite thing in the world is to lie in bed, not saying a word, with the man you love holding you in his arms. And that's me. I know you, Harley."

She gaped at him. "How?" she whispered. "How could you know any of that?"

"You told me," he murmured. "I mean, you do tend to babble, sweets, but I do listen sometimes, y'know? Can't help it. Can't really shut your ears the way you can your eyes, can you, baby? Some stuff has to get through, even if you don't want it to."

He brought his mouth down toward hers, but she ripped herself away from him, staring at him in astonishment, with tears rising to her eyes. "I…I…I have to go," she stammered, rushing off down the hall.

Joker stared after her, then returned to the therapy room. "Where's Dr. Quinzel?" demanded Crane, standing up.

"She had to go," retorted Joker. "Looks like the session's over, guys. Why don't you go write your feelings down in your diary, Johnny, because nobody else wants to hear about them."

Crane started forward again, but Ivy stopped him this time. "He's not worth it, Johnny," she muttered. "Just some pathetic freak trying desperately to get a laugh. Well, nobody thinks you're funny, Joker, you got that? Not here."

"No," agreed Joker. "That's the problem all right, Pammie. That's why I have to get outta here. It's real depressing, a world without laughter. I pity you losers who are stuck here."

"We might be one of those losers after all, if we're not careful," muttered Tetch as the other two left. "How did it go with Harley? Will she help us?"

Joker shrugged. "I dunno, Hatty. We'll just have to wait and see."


	6. Chapter 6

Joker was lying in his cell later that night, staring up at the ceiling and wondering if Two-Face had beaten his game yet. This was assuming that time was currently passing in the real world – maybe when they got back, it would be like they never left, in which case he could easily reclaim his game from Two-Face. He would be really annoyed if that wasn't the case, if Two-Face had actually taken over the game and messed up all the progress he had made. That would be just like the bastard – trying to take over his role as Batsy's nemesis in this reality, and trying to take over his role as Batsy in the game. "Unoriginal, second-rate jerk," muttered Joker. "I hope Batsy beats him as hard as he always beat me. Although knowing my luck even Bats has gone soft in this crap reality."

He sighed heavily. "Maybe I should look at this whole experience as a lesson," he said. "Y'know, as something that helps me realize how good I have it, and to show appreciation for the things I've got in the real world. So what lessons have I learned?" He thought for a moment. "I've learned that Johnny Crane is still a loser," he said. "I've learned that Bats really does just randomly attack people without any probable cause. I've learned that even in this reality, the food is crap at Arkham. But then I guess I knew all these things before, so it's not really a learning experience after all, just a waste of my time."

He thought again. "I've learned that Harley would have been in charge of this dump if I hadn't come along," he murmured. He grinned. "Bet she's real grateful to me for saving her from that fate. I mean, who'd wanna be responsible for this mess? Hellhole filled with a bunch of incurable crazies – yep, bet she's really grateful she didn't waste her life trying to help them. That wouldn't have fulfilled her. That wouldn't really have made her happy."

He stood up and began pacing. "Sure she's got success, money, respect, but who wants all that crap? She ain't got me. That's all that matters to her, she's told me that a thousand times. That's all."

He sat down heavily on the edge of the bet. "She wouldn't regret anything if she knew," he murmured. "I know her. I really do. She wouldn't…" He trailed off and then lay down again, shutting his eyes and trying to ignore the suddenly oppressive silence.

He then heard the sound of a key turning in the lock. He sat up again with a start to see the door to the cell open and Dr. Harleen Quinzel standing in the doorway.

She didn't say a word – just stood there looking at him steadily. Then she suddenly threw herself into his arms and kissed him.

"Harley…" he began, but she put a finger to his lips.

"Come with me," she murmured, taking his hand and dragging him out of the cell. She looked around for the guards and, making sure the coast was clear, pulled him down the hall to her office. She opened the door and shoved him inside, closing it behind her. Joker saw that Tetch was already there.

"Mr. Tetch has explained the situation to me," said Harley. "And while it does seem highly unlikely to be true, I have heard crazier stories in my time. And it does explain all the facts. I don't pretend to understand everything about it, but the only thing I need to understand is that you two need to get out, and it would be criminal for me to hold people when they don't belong here. So I don't appear to have any choice but to release you."

Tetch let out the breath he had been holding. "'And, has thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' he chortled in his joy!"

Joker just stared at her. "Harley…" he began again.

"I'll provide the distraction," continued Harley. "How much time will you need, do you think?"

"As much as you can give us," replied Tetch.

She nodded, and then reached into her drawer and pulled out two small, homemade bombs, which she planted at either side of the wall.

"I didn't know you could make bombs," murmured Joker, surprised.

"Thought you knew everything about me," said Harley, grinning. She also pulled out three guns, handing one each to Tetch and Joker and taking one for herself.

"You might need these," she said.

"Um…thanks," said Joker. "But why don't you just sign the papers to release us?"

Harley shrugged. "Paperwork takes a lotta time and explanation. And I thought a violent breakout would be a lot more…fun," she murmured, cocking the gun and smiling at him.

Joker stared at her in astonishment, and then smiled. "Baby," he whispered. "Oh, baby, you're the greatest!"

He seized her in his arms and they kissed passionately as the wall exploded. The alarm began to sound and Harley reluctantly tore herself away from him. "Go on, puddin'," she whispered, smiling sadly at him. "Get back to Harley Quinn. She's one lucky gal."

Joker grinned at her and then climbed out of the hole in the wall, blowing away the incoming guards. Tetch followed him as they rushed across the grounds. Joker turned back to see Harley holding her own against the guards and beamed at her.

"Great little kid really, ain't she?" he said to Tetch. "A real peach."

"Yes, but now we have a bigger problem," said Tetch. "We have to find the Bat."

Joker chuckled. "That ain't a problem, Hatty! Open your eyes!" He gestured to the destruction. "The Bat will come to us!"

They raced around to the front of the building where, true to Joker's words, the Batmobile pulled up and Batman rushed into the building. "Do I know Bats or do I know Bats?" giggled Joker.

"Now we just need to discreetly break into the…" began Tetch, but Joker had already shot up the lock on the trunk. He threw it open and pulled out the hats.

"Quickly! Put it on before the Bat…" said Tetch, but he was interrupted as Batman suddenly landed in front of them.

Joker gently shoved Tetch out of the way. "Stay back, Hatty. Bats is mine," he said, grinning as he faced him.

"I wouldn't," said Batman. "You've never fought me before. You don't know how much pain I can give you."

Joker laughed. "Yes, I do, Batsy! And I'm really looking forward to it! Because while I know how you fight, you don't know how I do. It's finally time to get your ass kicked," he said, cracking his knuckles and grinning.

Batman threw a punch which Joker easily dodged, and then retaliated with a swift blow of his own to Batman's face, which took him off guard. He staggered backward and Joker chuckled. "Too easy!" he laughed. "C'mon, Bats, try again!"

Batman lunged forward, trying to hit him, but he again underestimated Joker's swiftness. Their fights were usually like a choreographed dance, precise and expertly timed, with Batman's fist punching into Joker's body as sure and steadily as a beat. But this time Batman was clumsy and off-balance – he didn't know this dance. This was an opponent he had never tangled with before, a clever, cunning, and completely unpredictable opponent, and for the first time in his life, Batman felt outmatched.

At last, Joker struck him a blow that knocked him unconscious and he fell to the ground, with Joker standing over him, breathing heavily and grinning maniacally. He threw up his hands, laughing hysterically. "I did it!" he shrieked. "I did it! I won! I finally won! You saw it, right, Tetch?! I defeated Batman!"

"Technically he's not the real Batman…" began Tetch, but he noticed the look Joker was giving him and stopped speaking suddenly, nodding in agreement. "Yes, well done. Most impressive," he said hurriedly.

Joker kept laughing, looking around. "Hey, maybe this place ain't so bad after all!" he giggled. "Whaddya think, Tetch? Feel like staying in this reality? If I can win against the Bat, there's no end to the fun possibilities I could have here! We could break Harley out and see if she wants to join us! I could rule this town! And you…you could do…whatever it is that makes you happy," he said, waving his hand. "Dress up children in costumes or something."

"Joker, please," begged Tetch, holding out the hat to him. "Let's go home."

Joker sighed heavily, taking the hat from him. "All right. But only because I wanna finish my video game. You better hurry up and wish, Hatty, before I change my…"

But there was another blinding flash of light, and then nothing.


	7. Chapter 7

Joker opened his eyes to darkness. As his sight adjusted, he realized this was because he was still in the janitor's closet. He ripped away the mop and threw open the door, and could hear voices coming from the rec room down the hall.

"I think we're back, Hatty!" he chuckled, taking off the hat. Tetch let out a sigh of relief, taking off his own. And Joker immediately stomped on them both, crushing them.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" cried Tetch.

"I've learned a valuable lesson today, Tetch," said Joker, solemnly. "I've learned that there are some things man is not meant to meddle with. I've also learned that I'm amazing, probably the greatest guy who ever lived. I defeated Batman, drove a successful career gal crazy, and all in the space of under five minutes in this reality!" he exclaimed, glancing at the clock and beaming. "Which means there's plenty of time left for my game! I tell ya, Tetch, it really is a wonderful life, ain't it?"

Tetch said nothing, but glared at him as Joker strode off down the hall, whistling. Tetch gathered up the broken pieces of the hats and muttered darkly to himself, "Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe…"

"He don't care, Red!" sobbed Harley, who was crying on Ivy's shoulder. "He ain't ever cared about me! He's just cruel and heartless and horrible and…you!" she hissed, standing up furiously as Joker entered the rec room. "You selfish bastard! What kinda monster are you, huh?! Calling a gal names and getting her all excited and then telling her to beat it because you see a shiny object?! Well, listen and listen good, you jerk! It's over, you understand me?! I don't want you no more! I've wasted enough of my life on you, you disgusting creep! I coulda been somebody without you, and I shoulda been somebody! I wish I had never met you, then I coulda had a successful career as a doctor and a life of happiness without some evil clown weighing me down! I hate you, Mr. J! I hate…"

He grabbed her around the waist and shoved his mouth onto hers. She instantly responded, squealing in delight and pulling him down to her. "Excuse us, folks," said Joker, taking her hand and leading her out of the room. "We'll be back soon. Harvey, you're still banned from touching my game."

"Whatever," growled Two-Face. He was tired of looking at the paused screen, so unplugged the machine and turned the TV on, flipping to a movie channel.

He was glad he did. Joker and Harley didn't return for a good few hours, by which point the movie was over. "Thanks, Harvey, I'll have the controller back," said Joker, plugging the console in again and sitting down on the sofa. "You're a good placeholder, but you ain't really me, are ya?" he asked, chuckling at a joke that only he seemed to get. Harley curled up into his lap, cooing and nuzzling him affectionately as he resumed his game.

"I love you, Mr. J," she whispered, kissing his cheek.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, kid. Now move it, will ya? I'm trying to play my game."

**The End**


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